I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I dyed my hair. Not permanently and not really even noticeably but I did it because I wanted to know how I would feel about it.
I am 40 years old and my hair is at least 50% grey. I hardly notice it but then someone will say something unkind about my hair or my age and that does hurt. I have cried over the things people have said. But still I had not dyed it, until now. After dying it, most of the grey still showed through and mostly what I felt was angry. Not because it didn't work, but because I had bothered doing it at all. I felt angry that no-one would expect my husband to dye his hair. I felt angry that I couldn't fit in with expectations and I felt angry for my kids, especially my daughter.
Yesterday I met with two of my closest girlfriends for coffee and we talked a little about beauty and society. What our boundaries are, what lines we would and wouldn't cross for the sake of beauty. I left realizing there is very little I would change, and not because everything is all good but because I am a mother and my daughter is a girl.
I figure if I can take a few hits for her, a few tears at insensitive comments, a few more moments of self doubt and insecurity, maybe she won't have to. Perhaps if, in some small way, I can be more accepting of me maybe she won't have to try so hard to do the same.
